X-treme log book

2005-04-18T19:33:00.000+08:00

nuts... i've been going nuts... headsches re getting more and more common... not to mention sch work is getting more like ****

2005-04-12T20:39:00.000+08:00

stupid...
i cant accept it...

2005-04-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

damn everything... this miserable life of mine is getting out of hand. i'd reather discard my life than to manage it. afterall, we're gonna die some day.
i'm pissed...

2005-02-03T17:50:00.000+08:00

things re not right for me now, its all wrong. wad's wrong? many things re wrong. anyway, chinese new year's approaching soon. everyone's excited about red packets and food. well, im always sian about things and i cant be bothered about chinese new year. wad's wrong with me? even i dont know the damn answer. i live day by day just for? fun? maybe... everyday's sian and i cant deny it

2005-01-19T22:20:00.000+08:00

had a bad headache after the 2.4km trial today, so sway and disgraceful... had to walk slowly instead of jog during the circuit training.

time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management, time management... ... ... ...

u may have heard it many time
who cares?

2005-01-10T22:58:00.000+08:00

frustrated is wad i am now. why am i so bothered about it when its over? heh, i better face it sooner or later, s paper is not for me.

2005-01-05T21:45:00.000+08:00

who knows wad the future holds? soon we will be laughing back at our jc days, just like wad we did for our sec and prim school. time really flies, in fact its flying too fast. soon we will get out of sch or college, find a job, get married, have children, grow old, retire, grow even older, become a grandparent, then die. when u re at your deathbed, u will think of the good old days u had when u were a child. if u were to become senile and cant remember a single thing, tats too bad. i often wonder how does it feel like to be dead. issit pleasant? or issit gonna feel terrible? for now im not gonna think much about it, thinking about death isn't gonna get me anywhere because im still alive, although pretty much of my brain cells are dead. am i an undead?

2004-12-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

mahjong, an addictive game indeed. for the 1st time in my whole life, i've never ever seen them beg me to play with them, except for today. of course, i had to, 3 people playing would be odd, too odd. compromising tv programs to play mahjong was gay, i swear i'll never do tat again

2004-12-25T19:41:00.000+08:00

i don't know wad to do... heh
soon school will reopen and life's gonna be hectic once again

2004-12-14T01:07:00.000+08:00

i worry too much. now im worrying about me worrying. cant sleep due to my worries. i worry to much until i dont even know wad the hell i am worrying about. i have short term memories, typical me.

2004-12-10T01:14:00.000+08:00

stars are great to stare at. was gazing at some stars just now and i happened to spot orion's belt. its just too sad i tat couldn't see the orion constellation as a whole. s'pore's a bad place for star gazers, its just too bright. i have always wanted to travel around the world like wad my father did before. i would find a perfect spot on a mountain to gaze at the stars. i may be alone then for no one would wanna follow me along with my crazy ideas, haha. if i could, i would go to nepal 1st. the place where hungry children live. there i will camp at the himalayers and hopefully experience the bitter taste of snow storms. tat will be one day of my life.

2004-12-07T23:15:00.000+08:00

im gonna kick their ass if their website's gonna post something negative. nevermind, it cant be helped anyway. if im 18, i would buy back volka like mad. gotta wait 6 more months. my father bought me 1 bottle, i haven even touch it yet. nothing to do, complaining all day makes me sick. dec holidays can be sickening too. sometimes school days can be better. but nothing beats holidays still. if our life miserable or should i say am i the only one who's miserable? too many things to think about and im gonna have a headache soon.

2004-12-06T14:07:00.000+08:00

dec holidays may sometimes be a bit boring. but at least i could stay at home and watch animax all day. no ones at home now to bug me about anything. my parents aren't at home, my sisters are out. it would be annoying if they were all here. never mind, im gonna sleep now.

2004-12-04T13:47:00.000+08:00

for some questions, there aren't any answers...

2004-12-03T01:15:00.000+08:00

maybe im being too paranoid. but i just dont have the guts to ask. even at this time, sleeping is not possible for me. cant sleep if i were to think too much. looking outside through my window, i can see a moon covered by the mist of the clouds. tat causes the moon to fade and thus not much light can be seen. this goes the same for my situation. there seems to be an invisible barrier between them and me. this barrier causes misundestanding between us. without the barrier, they would know the truth of wad i have to say. just like if the clouds weren't there to block the moon, the light emitted would be brighter. if im a thorn if a flesh to them, i would gladly severe ties with them and go my own way. but, will tat really happen? when tat time comes, will i have the guts to do tat? im so dissapointed with myself... for landing in a situation like this.

2004-11-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

cant seem to forget it. it always comes back to my head. why must i suffer this stupid curse? everytime i think about it, my blood boils. had to vent my anger. but punching walls and pillows dont seem to work. this grief im experiencing has caused me distraction and insomia. i crashed my bike on a stationary car while thinking about it. i knocked my chin on the pull up bar while i was thinking about it. everytime i sleep, i kept thinking about it. this unfairness has gone too far. but im too small and hopeless to do anything about it. tried ignoring them, knowing tat talking and arguing wouldnt do much. but everytime i see their damn faces, i feel damn pissed. wish i could pursuade them. talking to my neighbour makes me feel better, but im still unhappy. this life i have to lead, this tormented life. why must i suffer while others get the best? im not jealous, im angry. angry at myself. im too weak to deter, they always get back at me. im dont know wad to do already, im really hopeless...

2004-11-29T23:22:00.000+08:00

this sucks. they got a problem with me and i cant pursuade them. am i that insignificant? my sisters enjoy better life than i do. they get to do wad thay want and they always get wad they want. is it because im dumb? maybe. i hate being dumb. cant help it anyway. im not gonna sit down and complain tat im dumb. the point is im always treated unfairly. wish i have a bottle of alcohol to drown my sorrow. i can change u know? but they dont give me a chance to. im being stereotyped. they think i got a problem while i do not. revenge is not gonna work. they have the authority over me. i dont fear authority, i hate it. why must i be controlled all the time? even an animal like a bird enjoys better freedom than me. no point arguing with them, they wouldnt give in. im always a loser, must accept it, no matter how big a loser i am. wad must i do to convince them? nothing? something shitty? they re too stubborn to listen to wadever i have to say. issit the way i talk? never mind, i'll always be on the loser's side.

2004-11-28T22:02:00.000+08:00

whenever i lay my fingers on my computer my parents would always think tat im playing... im being stereotyped and i hate tat feeling... its like they have something against me using the computer... they cant be bothered if im using my computer for project works or games, they would always think of me as using my damn computer to play...
is my fate really that bad?

2004-11-27T14:02:00.000+08:00

im a loser
as a loser, i always get the worst of everything
...

2004-11-26T14:50:00.000+08:00

They had it, but there's limited supply
damn should have pre-ordered it days ago
been waiting for days and now i have to wait till next week
hopefully, it will be in by monday
or maybe sunday? perhaps
at least there's hope
hope is promising, but doubtful
how long must i be kept waiting
my enjoyable days are numbered...

2004-11-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

patience will no longer be patience if u have no vigilance
hope is good but it's unreliable
dreams seem real but are untouchable
nothing is impossible <--- dont believe it
no one seeks loneliness, although it drives your torment away
under a heavy rain, it brings back the feeling, the feeling that u re not alone
the sound of rain drops on your window pane, its nice
trees and grass rustling while the wind blows gives u the soothing feeling
mother nature is great, although men abuse it
.......
wish for something, take your time to wish... ... ...
but... u may never ever get wad u wish for...
......
i'm confused...

2004-11-23T07:30:00.000+08:00

my life is in a torment...

2004-11-20T13:43:00.000+08:00

i want a new computer... in fact i need 1...

2004-11-15T09:17:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling really bored...
computer games are getting too boring...
holiday assignment makes me sick...
sleeping too much makes my legs numb...
.......................................
this is stupid...

2004-11-07T09:59:00.000+08:00

Friday was crazy... 3 hours of AO lv chinese and 5 hours of ktv, and im still alive... should have kicked the bucket by now, dun feel like living anyway... chinese was hard, very hard... i will cry if i were to repeat chinese again...
yeah im chinese, and what? Yeah you know who this is, wei song, and let me just tell you this, im NOT gon learn chinese, when the pumps out, im NOT gon speak chinese...
wad else can i do about my chinese? leave it to fate... let god have mercy on me (maybe)...
odac was hectic and tiring yesterday... but the zoo and night safari trip was good... no odac would jog 20km to mandai unlike cj's odac...

2004-11-04T07:31:00.000+08:00

bush won... oh well, wish he lose anyway, kerry's such a poor thing... with bush around, iraq's gonna suffer more, and its more death after death... human population's going down, why kill more?
found another blog written by me today at 1.18am... didnt know i type until tat horrible... dun wanna talk about it...
woke up with a bad headache...

2004-11-04T01:18:00.000+08:00

hehehe... wad am i typing? i dunno... damn tired... hahaha... uh... dan is in my house... uh... dunno wad to typpppppppppe liao... whoa... siao...123456789... uh bye...

2004-10-30T22:53:00.000+08:00

today's a hectic day for me indeed... its always hectic when it comes to odac... ppl say we are crazy, but non of us can be bothered... today's hike/jog was long, but fun in a way...
talked with 2 of my neighbours just now... exchange some info about our school lives and the ppl we met... one of them is from ajc and he kept complaining about it... haha, i also complained about cjc...

2004-10-29T21:17:00.000+08:00

didn't know k-box ktv is so much better than party world ktv... they even have newer songs... like FIR and jay chou qi li xiang
the sad thing was... no girls followed us (daniel, frank and i) to ktv... and of all songs, daniel just had to choose FIR wo men de ai... i ended up straining my voice to make it sound like a girl's voice... of course i cant make it... now i zao xia...
just reached home... so i cant make it for the channel i news... cant be really bothered about it anyway, wouldn't gain anything from it, its just cjc on tv... even if i were to ask my family to watch it, they will be too busy with s'pore idol...
for tmr, odac's gonna be a pain... i still need to be at the meeting point by 6.57am... a strange time u may think, but it is not the 1st time... last time, all of us have to gather at a place at 7.48am... qi shi ba (qu shi ba)... go and die
going k box again after chinese exam...

2004-10-27T20:26:00.000+08:00

I'm afraid

im afraid to fail. im afraid to live, yet im afraid to die. im afraid to disgrace myself in front of others. im afraid to see myself lagging behind others. im afraid of the past and the future. im afraid of being laughed at. im afraid to see others talking behind my back. im afraid of being scolded. im afraid to lose. im afraid to sit for examinations. im afraid i'll get nervous. im afraid to lose all my computer games. im afraid to see myself not playing any computer or ps2 games. im afraid of JC. im afraid of homeworks and assignments. im afraid of project work. im afraid of teachers. im afraid of strangers. im afraid of being a burden to others. im afraid to lose my conscience. im afraid to see myself in despair. im afraid to contract AIDS. im afraid i'll go insane. im afraid of GP. im afraid of chinese. im afraid to see myself fail math. im afraid to take bio. im afraid to see mrs yap chattering away during bio lessons or lectures. im afraid to see matthew or kelvin talking endlessly about bio. im afraid of idiots who trys to bother me everyday. im afraid of miss koh who has something bad against me. im afraid of my life. im afraid of myself. im afraid to see myself in the mirror. im afraid... to fail

2004-10-25T19:14:00.000+08:00

i really need a long break... with so much things to do like pw and revision for chinese, im gonna drop dead soon...
forgotten to ask mr lim about dropping bio... maybe i'll do it tmr... and i better do... i dun wanna study bio anymore...
when daniel told me about wad tat f*cker did, i was damn f*cking furious... she's tat ass who took the volleyball from simon and didnt return it back... it is right for daniel to buy a new volleyball for bernice since he has lost hers... but the f*cking problem is she pretended tat she didnt receive the ball at all(although she did) and even told daniel tat shes keeping both of the balls...
i feel sorry for tat poor daniel... she still has the guts to bully him even though daniel's not entirely at fault... wish i could help, but daniel insist on taking on tat matter by himself... she's being damn selfish in not giving the ball back to simon, its like she doesn't care about others at all... moreover, its just a f*cked up volleyball and shes already very 'niao' about it... if simon knows the truth, i bet he will even help us fight against tat f*ck up idiot...
hopefully she doesn't see this(why would she?)... i wouldnt wanna get bitten by tat president of SAJC council group...

2004-10-23T20:00:00.000+08:00

walking home under a rain is good... but walking home after a rain is extremely bad... its hard not to avoid stepping on snails... when i accidentally killed a snail last time, i felt damn sad and guilty, my shoes were also stained... after all, a snail is a living creature and it has a life of its own...
wish it would rain the whole day and night, 24/7... i love the rain. not onli its cooling but its also nice to hear the sound of rain drops on my windows...
it would be better if theres snow in s'pore... but, tat day will nv come, or maybe?

2004-10-22T23:49:00.000+08:00

its raining... im not sleeping yet... wanna finish my drawing...
gonna ask mr lim about dropping bio next week...
theres still odac tmr... and my body's not ready for any vigorous physical torture...
im tired of everything... wanna escape to somewhere... a place where i can sit down and think about anything... just wanna keep my mouth shut and close my eyes for a day...

2004-10-20T21:35:00.000+08:00

i've been making countless mistakes for my whole life
yet i'm still not use to failure
i hate to learn from my mistakes
it pains me to see my own mistakes
seeing my own mistakes tortures me
i can't accept failure
i'm weak, weak to accept what i've done
I hate myself for that
and that's also probably why I always feel depressed

2004-10-19T18:27:00.000+08:00

u cant undo something which has been done and i hate myself for that.
im always late, too late to do anything.
crying's no use, u cant alter history
the only thing u can do is to sit there and watch the horror
the horror that's overwhelming u
its so sad to see yourself getting bitten by the horror when u cant do anything about it
and tats why i always feel depressed, maybe.

2004-10-17T01:34:00.000+08:00

heh... talking to donovan really reminds me of my primary sch days... seriously, i miss running around on the field, playing all sorts of catching games... that playground near my primary sch was also great... they had 2 swings there which i would love to swing myself till i dropped dead... oh yeah, we played blind mice too...
in the past, we always use to make fun of each other about having girlfriends and stuff like that... now its so ironic to see my friends fighting over girlfriends (haha)...
those were the gd old days... the bad new days are now... not really bad but just worse than the gd old days... this coming monday and tuesday will be 'bad' and hectic... and stupid... + lame... i don't wish to play some stupid games that i wouldnt enjoy...

2004-10-11T18:03:00.000+08:00

ok, chem was nuts... i can and cannot manage the paper... not hard but confusing...
wasted my time thinking about exo or endo for bond breaking or bond formation...
i wouldn't wanna think about chem now, or any other subjects... they re just too 'heavy' for me to handle...
a person may think he's great, and what ever he does pleases others... he thinks he has the power to do anything as long as he's great... but, its not the great who are strong, its the strong who are great... wanna be great? prove yourself with actions... and with your own mighty and charismatic words...
but, im not great... im just a average guy living in this old dumb world, a world which mankind has taken granted for... a world full of plague and defilement...

2004-10-07T16:40:00.000+08:00

maths was ok... easier than mid yr...
chem next... the last promo subject i have to take...
but i wanna slack a bit 1st... exams have drained all my strength away...
and not to mention... chinese A lv coming closer... 1 month and a few days more...
im gonna sleep...

2004-10-05T19:14:00.000+08:00

today's bio was crap... im not worried about leaving blanks here and there on my paper... just paranoid about mrs yap scolding me if she finds out about me slacking off during the test... heh, i dun think she will be bothered by tat... mrs yap always heck care about things... u can even sleep in her lectures...
im glad bio test is over anyway... this will be my last one... i hope ill never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever get to see another f*cked up bio note, or paper, or textbook, or wadever...

2004-10-01T19:07:00.000+08:00

just finished playing ps2... started playing straight away when i arrived home... tat means no studying has been done... i find it pointless to study when im gonna fail my gp paper... of course i have no intention of failing, but it seems to me tat i will... its a hunch
a hunch for most ppl may not really happen... but my hunch is always correct... its not like i will fail all my papers on purpose and say its a hunch, im serious... no one likes to fail... its just tat ppl like me are more prone to failing...
this may seem ridiculous but i think ive done my best for my gp and 3 spa papers... examination pressure may help me to pass, tats wad mr chan said... but has he ever considered too much of a pressure will kill?
to do well in exams, i believe one should relax and take it easy... but not to the extend until u cant be bothered to study like me... last minute revision wouldnt help much and i dare to say it will kill u... cramping everything in a few minutes or seconds just before exam starts is gonna give u a headache...
and to daniel hartoyo, thank u for using your 2k rupiah just to exchange it for 30 cents so tat i could by my stuff... i promise i will treat u to a $1.20 mocca drink... did i spell the 'mocca' correctly?
last thing, 5 bucks for a pack of kamigawa is stupid...

2004-09-30T20:21:00.000+08:00

i bet there will be people mugging for tmr's bio spa while i'm typing this blog... im hopeless in bio... during my secondary school days, it took me eons just to get a B3 for bio O lv... i believe tat the difficulty of JC bio is at least 10 times of sec school bio... heh... i wouldnt wanna spend my entire JC life on bio... dun wanna waste my precious time... there re better things to do then bio...

2004-09-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

how should i put it?
i dun feel sad now, not even happy...
im confused and blur...
cant think properly, feel like shit now...
maybe i should take a rest...
but everytime i lie on my bed, i kept thinking about it...
the more i think, the more i lose control of myself...
in the end, i cant think of anything...
i would then break down and cry out loud...
scream my heart out...
if i'm not satisfied, i would vent my fustration on my pillow...
sometimes on the wall...
and so far, i haven't injure myself badly...
but when the day comes, i will torture myself to the extreme...
this pain will never end...

2004-09-26T09:36:00.000+08:00

Yesterday's food at the Jap restaurent was ok... at least i got to enjoy some sushi before my promos...
... nothing else to say...

2004-09-23T20:34:00.000+08:00

to be like a bird in the clear blue sky... i would love tat idea...
being a human is tiring... humans are complicated ppl... humans are filled with emotions... humans know how to brag, plan, scheme, boast and scold... humans can also love, cherish, care, protect and help... humans are good and bad... if there are 50 good humans in this world, there must also be 50 bad humans...
wad am i trying to say? our lives are constantly in equilibrium... no ones perfect... a person may be charitable in front of u but hav u ever considered wad evil deeds he may be doing behind your back? i may be bias in wad i've just said but thats how i feel...
and about being a bird, i wish i could... birds roam the sky... they occupy a space bigger than any humans could afford... more importantly, they have the freedom which most humans lack of...

2004-09-22T17:49:00.000+08:00

i wonder how i would feel right now if promos were over... of course A lv chinese is inevitable... but sad to say my chinese sux... cant do anything much about it now... just have to cling on to my dying faith...
if promos were over... i wish...
even if promos were over, i would still be concern about whether i fail or pass...
fail or pass? dun feel like talking about it... i wouldnt pursue myself to pass badly... if im meant to fail, so be it... even if i could be promoted to J2, there wil always be A lv exams to worry about...
our lives are always full of anxiety... after clearing an obstacle, theres always another one ahead of u... life is always terrible and stupid... no comments to make on how life sux now... cause ive too many things to say...
everything is wrong, thats how i feel... my parents have problems against me... especially my mother, she loves to scold and lecture me... my fathers extremely fierce and strict... with both of them around, theres no such thing as freedom for me...
am i a burden?

2004-09-20T23:11:00.000+08:00

seriously, im getting more and more anxious... ill die if i screw up promos...
not to worry about it is useless, for everytime i try to drive my worries away, they wiould always be glued to my thoughts...
what more can i say? even if i were to mug, chances of passing will still be slim... ill leave the rest of it to fate...

2004-09-18T06:07:00.000+08:00

just woke up and didnt sleep much...

2004-09-16T20:59:00.000+08:00

thought alot today... not feeling well now... my usual headaches are inevitable and deadly... the cold weather has weakened me, badly... bad enough for me to melt under the rain... this pain is unbearable... pain killers didnt help this time...
i think i must have done something sinful to everyone around me... lots of bad things have happen to me so far... cant take it anymore... to those students who commited suidcide, i know how it feels like... u wish this damn world would nv exist... and u hope everything will die, perish in just one split second... i feel the same way too... i hope an armageddon would end everything... im sick of living when i dont reap anything out from this society...
or maybe im just blind... everything around me is fake or just illusions... is this another matrix world? i dun wish to be enslaved by machines as shown in the matrix movie... or is there something which i lack the most? that something isn't something which can be touched... its not 3 dimentional... its something inside me thats missing... i feel so empty without it but i have no idea wad it is... am i incomplete? humans re imcomplete and thats why they re not perfect... im far from imcomplete... im undone... not yet finished... totally imperfect...
in tat case, y must i still exist? i rather put myself in an eternal sleep rather than stepping out into the real world where chaos reins...

2004-09-13T21:31:00.000+08:00

I'm a disgrace
not to anyone else... but myself... i feel so helpless now... been doing badly for my tests... especially for my mock papers... f**ked, wads gonna happen to me during promos? everyone else would be a step ahead of me while i will be left alone to lag all by myself... i'll fail to the end of this world... not only would i be looked down upon, my father and mother's gonna kick my ass too...... but... i dont give a big damn about this thing... if im meant to be retained, then so be it... im born to be compared with... as long a person thinks he or she does better than me, tat person will walk away happily without giving a damn thought for my feeling... and no one really undestand my inner feelings and thoughts... i may be stupid and tats true... but inside me, im always thinking... thinking about things which re important, redundant, crap and sometimes nothing...
im too unique... unique in a disadvantageous way... look at the list below and tell yourself tat its true...
1) most or should i say every boy loves to play cs, but not me... i hate cs
2) ppl around me re too noisy... they talk non stop and re enthu about socialising... i prefer to be alone and quiet...
3) i love to talk to myself alot... even wei quan said so... others dont do this...
4) ill stone for no reason... even when im brushing my teeth or eating my dinner... others cant do this... not to mention gabriel the stoner...
5) i get headache so often... others re healthy and fit...
6) boys do normally go out and flirt with girls... i cant bothrered to do tat...
7) no one plays computer throughtout midnight till dawn like me...
8) etc, etc...
nuts... i can think of more but theres to many for me to compile...

2004-09-11T14:09:00.000+08:00

stayed at home yesterday for the whole afternoon and night just to play ps2... felt sian coz theres nothing else for me to do... bought the game ... its quite nice... although the graphic sucks more than X-box, but its still nice... even played it this morning...
in my neighbour's house typing this blog... his name's daniel... not the daniel hartoyo lukamto suriyatikusumo u guys all know... my sisters using the comp and so ive nothing else to do but to visit him...
school's gonna start soon... i hate this kind of situation... i hate the feeling of going back to school... gonna have more migrane trying to remember more stuffs... my brain's all cramped up... no more GB or MB space to store more info...
even listening to jay chou's song now reminds me of the times when i went to ktv with my sec sch classmates... wei quan's the one who we all know can sing very well... its been a long time since i listen to him singing... feel like going ktv again...
in any case... i hope promos will end soon... i wanna drop bio asap... pronto...

2004-09-06T22:24:00.000+08:00

If i knew it was gonna be 11 hours i would have thrown away the idea of going for that cip thing... i was kept in the dark for like, a few days... those 2 guys (wouldnt say the name!) told me nothing about it... but i dun blame them entirely... its kind of part of my damn fault... im stupid and foolish... i should have taken the initiative to ask earlier... but even so, they should have filled me with the info im required to know... if i didnt call them just now, i would be in deep sh!t by them...
SO WAD IF THEY HAVE FREE FOOD AND DRINKS? SO WAD IF WE CAN SLACK BETWEEN THE USHERING PERIODS? My freedom would be partially deprived... 11 hrs of cip tmr means no computer games for me... and i CAN'T survive without playing any computer games... Moreover, I wouldn't be able to do much things there... not even anything... nothing... i can't be expected to eat and drink for like 11 hrs... wad can we do by slacking? NOTHING! Whats more, i still need to wake up f**king early... and i cant sleep early tonight, got things to do...
Im not saying cip is bad... but 11 hrs straight is just NUTS! cant believe im a fool... feel damn f**ked up now and idiotic... stupid... arh!!!!!!!!

2004-09-05T10:22:00.000+08:00

damn it... dunno wad to write... shouldn't have logged in...

2004-09-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

yesterday's chinese and today's gp mock test were horrifying... to think about it now pisses me off... gonna go shoot some butts in time crisis 3... hope ill forget about those 2 f**ked up exams... at least they are nothing but MOCK...

2004-08-31T20:14:00.000+08:00

issit me or is the world gonna end soon? to survive each day is already breath taking... to survive until the promos, im gonna die by then...
i can't even answer a maths question in my tutorial... my brain's slowing down in function, my legs are almost rooted to the ground and i feel like my stomach's gonna come out from my mouth... there's no name for that sickness but tats how i feel... everything sux... i just wish everything doesn't exist at all... i don't wanna live just to feel the pain... everything is painful, failing exams, getting beaten up by someone, losing someone close to you... even doing homework hurts... i'm getting migrane too often now, must be the stress from JC life...
everyday's gloomy... ppl cant stand my beisong(buaysong) or wadever unhappy face, even i hate to look at myself in front of the mirror... to force myself to smile is already painful... i cant smile when im always worrying, worrying about yesterday, today and tomorrow...

2004-08-29T12:30:00.000+08:00

My Flying Legacy ends here
and i knew it would, eventually... so now, i can divert more to odac since flying is out of my equation...
i cant multi task tats wad my instructor said... well, hes got a point there... im not versatile... im like a block of wood, too hard and rigid, inadaptable to changes... maybe flying isn't for me... i just can't be like my eldest cousin, an F16 pilot... hes got the talent and skills i think...
nothing more to say... wanna think it through... this is not a dream... this is a horrifying reality...

2004-08-29T07:19:00.000+08:00

eh... woke up quite early about 1 hr ago... already feel f**k up... don't feel like saying much... in fact, i don't feel like talking any sh!t now... over and out...

2004-08-27T16:02:00.000+08:00

chemistry has given me headaches and nuts and sh!t... at least its beter than bio... bio's a nuisance... it haunts u wherever u go... to me, tat for sure... unless u re a freak like kelvin koh, simon or matt... they love bio... and i don't undestand why...
or issit jus me whos stupid? everyone else seems to be happy with triple science combi... i hate 3 science combi... almost died in sec school... at least the bio in O lvs was hell lot easier...
typing these crap now while waiting for daniel... gonna celebrate wei quan's b'day later... crap crap crap is how im thinking and feeling now... cjc is driving me to the point of insanity... im going nuts...

2004-08-26T19:23:00.000+08:00

To have nothing is a bliss
and i gotta agree with it... primitive life is much better than that of modern... its because of development that war actually happen... ppl keep fighting over for rights and power... chaos will never ever end... think about it, life would be much better if everything is peaceful... im not the noisy type so being quiet and peaceful is wad i like to be... miss koh even thought of me as anti-social... she's right and wrong... i don't usually socialise with ppl because i don't know y... but the true fact is i do onli talk to ppl when required, i dun go around gossiping and telling lame jokes... BUT and i say BUT its not true that im anti-social... i just dun socialise tats all, i didnt say i hate to socialise... so im a non-social... makes sense? im not sure either... i have the bad habit of talking to myself... is like im having zi bi zhen...
if i have nothing, ill gain something...

2004-08-24T18:46:00.000+08:00

im getting sick and tired of almost everything... there's like school almost everyday... homework and study everyday... eating the same food for dinner every night... its too standard and routine...
know this my brothers and sisters, life is never interesting when u are doing the same thing everyday, it makes u too square... my life has too many boundaries... set by my parents... i hate it when they bother me... they think im still a small f**k up kid whos only 3 yrs old... im not even allowed to close and lock up my room door... they nv ever spare a thought for me... i hav my own privacy and they do not allow me to keep it...
im going nuts... many things do happen very fast... i hate and love it when time passes to quickly... i hate it coz i dont hav enough leisure time to spend on myself... i love it coz i have always wanted to get out of school asap...
nothing else to say... its been a tiring day for me...

2004-08-22T19:24:00.000+08:00

i think i've realised something... im too rigid... too inflexible to adapt to changes... tats why i screwed my flight up today... f**k care it, dun have the mood to talk about wad happened today... makes me feel like giving up... or even sit down at one corner and cry... i hate myself for tat... i think i'm too weak in everything i do... im a bloody weaking... if u can't tell tat i'm one then i'm telling u now... know tat i stink...
maybe im not meant to exist... am i some freak or wad? an experiment which failed? i feel so diff from other humans... i envy them... everyone do have a goal in life... they know wad to do in every circumstances... they handle problems with grace and calmness...
im clumpsy, useless and lazy... issit my fate to end up like tat? was i born a retard? i may even hav down's syndrome and my parents wouldn't tell me... they may want me to think im like the rest of the human race, smart, elegant and pure...
im just an idiot... stating nonsensible words to u ppl... i may look like a bastard who's chanting some sutra or sitting down meditating like a statue...
but i don't giv a damn sh!t about anything... i've lost my emotion, i've lost my strength, i've lost the will to live and face reality, i've lost touch with everyone around me, i've lost control over my action and common sense, i've lost almost everything...

2004-08-21T13:46:00.000+08:00

the learning journey trip to the newwater plant was lame, at least i showed my pathetic face...
dan's gonna teach me bio at sengkang compass point later...
my comp really sux, it crashed for no reason... my sister's unhappy with me using her comp...
what can i do? nothing... im useless... as daniel said to me yesterday, im walking a path different from others... i've missed out serveral things around me...
crying is all can i do now... give me one day and i'll make use of that precious time to abuse myself badly...
how long more before the promos are over? i cant wait to drop bio... the longer i wait, the crazier i'll be...
cant say much already... my brain juice has dried up... whatever i say in this blog may not make any sense to u readers...

2004-08-19T19:27:00.000+08:00

If u were to give me no life, i would be damn glad... part of me is already dead... my actions and movements are the results of my subconscience mind... my soul has left my body to rot in pain... my spirit cease to exist any further... due to that, my emotions have gone astray... i'm left without any mood... my heart has been sunk to a depth deeper than the deepest ocean...
feel like giving up... nothing seems to be working... with my constant failure and futility, i wouldnt get anywhere... bio's a major deep sh!t prob, I HATE IT... the way mrs yap teaches bio anguishes me... its damn f**king dishertening to listen her talking unknown alienated bio language while writing and drawing alienated bio words and diagrams on the whiteboard... and it is worse to know that even kelvin koh and the rest of his gang manage to follow her through...
Would someone help me with bio? anyone? NO! No one will help me, even daniel promised to teach me bio but NO he didn't...
im always alone... who will guide me? no one indeed... im worse than all of the stray dogs and cats, at least they have their fellow dogs and cats around them... unlike me... im a bloody loner... i do things by myself and mostly for myself... i hate my life but that's wad fate has given me...
Even if im still alive, my heart is already dead... pinch my veins and arteries but i wouldnt feel the pain...

2004-08-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

Have to stay up tonight to complete my part of the PW written report... came back late because of odac... forced myself to stay awake with a cup of coffee...
a bad day for me indeed... woke up with a slight headache, did pretty badly for my chem test and worse for my gp compre mock test... everything's nuts... can't stand it... i've been tormented like mad these few days, lots of work to catch up with... with the constant anxiety that's feeling my heart, i don't feel like doing anything anymore... feel like ending my life... pass me a knife and i'll stab myself... i'll be glad to...
i hate gp... both the essay and compre kills me... whenever theres a gp test, i would always attempt it in a sub conscience manner... that's what i have entirely no idea on what i've written... mr. chan said I work better in stress condition... issit true? the f**k, i have no idea... i think i did better during the mid yr for gp test because of......... i dont really know why actually... if u say its luck, i'll kick ur ass coz i dont believe in luck dammit...
take ronald Susilo for example... if u were to say he triumped over the chinese player(lin dan) because of luck, i would say no... the fact that susilo won is because lin dan did not play his best at all... if u think susilo is good, guess again... he got trashed by a thai player just today... but it is true that susilo won the german yesterday because he's relatively better than him... no luck is involved in any way... its all fate... and i believe in fate...

2004-08-15T19:09:00.000+08:00

It was damn hot and sunny in the early afternoon, then it rained in the late afternoon... this stupid weather sort of reflects on the stupid things i did... everything seems chinese to me today... tried to study chinese but ended up not understanding anything... listened to jay chou's songs all day, trying to tune myself to chinese mode; though i like his songs, but i dont even know wad he's singing about... even had chinese tuition, it was ok and not ok... wad do i mean? its ok since the chinese teacher was not those kind of f**ked up ppl, quite kind and humorous... its also not ok cause its simply chinese... i dont even know how am i gonna survive through JC, especially when i have chinese to burden me... im gonna die, but it aint over yet... ill ripped off all obstacles, even if a mountain's in my way...

2004-08-14T19:27:00.000+08:00

i feel like sh!t today... got a migrane... don't feel like saying anything...

2004-08-13T17:46:00.000+08:00

everything is going nuts for me... i need someone to teach me maths and chem since i didn't turn up for thursday's lect coz got science symposium thingy... bio is out of equation for me... i hate bio... shouldn't go into a triple science class... having regrets now... i've decided, whether i pass or fail bio promo, im gonna drop it at the end of this year... and that means goodbye 1t32... a change of environment kills but if i don't, i'll suffer worse next year...
my fate has not been decided, and it may be bad, but i'll see through it... i will...

2004-08-12T20:15:00.000+08:00

why? why is my life so complex and sophisicated? many things to do... many worries to carry and burdens to shoulder... promo is nearing day by day and im still not tuned to studying freq yet... no ones gonna show me any mercy in the end... i'll just lie down and rot till my bones are exposed... don't feel like talking to anyone... nothing to talk about anyway... can't be bothered by the happenings around me... i don't feel well now, not fever or headache, just...not well... terrible... fustrated... neurotic... nuts... f**cked up...
the death bringer is waiting for me right around the corner...

2004-08-11T16:11:00.000+08:00

even now, i still have a slight headache... wonder when the pain's gonna end...
right now, i'm in the comp lab doing the science symposium project thingy... and i found my damned black pen... can't believe it survived for 5 days without its owner(me)...
i think im gonna screw up my chem equil test... im gonna die...
i feel damn sh!t now, still need to do science project after blogging...
i may be destined to die, but i will try to deny that dumb fact... gonna get through this...

2004-08-10T20:42:00.000+08:00

my head hurts now, i hate migrane... playing cs makes me have migrane... thats why i dislike cs... should have gone home earlier... 10 min of cs can make me giddy... 1 hr of cs makes me shagged... dunno why... hm, i really suck at cs, and i really do... im allergic to cs, thats damn sad... but i had no choice then, the rest were playing cs... i couldnt be a wet blanket, so i joined them...
pounding my head now, trying to make the pain go away... took 3 pills of pain killers just now...
and if i were to go to a LAN shop the next time, i would force myself not to touch cs at all... believe it, i wouldnt break my vow...

2004-08-09T21:10:00.000+08:00

had to study physics... didnt undestand chem equilibria, or rather onli undestand abit... i need sometime to think, think about what i should do next later, tmr, the day after tmr, next week, next month, next year, next decade and so on... feel like going night cycling again, the breeze is strong, will be damn cooling....... ill... cycle myself, alone... in the dark
and if u wanna bark summore, think about it... its not u whos barking in the end...

2004-08-09T01:52:00.000+08:00

have no idea but i have the sudden urge to type something inside... cant sleep, insomnia... cut my finger just now while tearing out a piece of transparent plastic, the one used for wrapping food... got cut by the blade... not much pain, but i hate to lose my blood for nothing... used plenty of tissue paper just to exert pressure on my wound... slept almost the whole afternoon today, maybe thats why im not tat tired now... i could have gone off with daniel to the supermarket at J8, but i didnt feel like it, i thought it was just stupid to travel all the way there to shop for something i dun wan at that moment... well, cant blame daniel though, he just need someone to accompany him tats all... daniel is nv a solo person, he loves to have some company... and he hates to go out alone... thats kind of like the exact opposite of me... not tat i hate to have ppl around me while im out, but i dun care if anyone follows me to anywhere... im a loner, i dun usually talk much... teachers in pri and sec sch gave comments on my report bk saying that i shld communicate more freq... even Mr Lim chok peng said that i shld participate more in class...
dun wanna say anymore... i feel moodless...

2004-08-08T15:42:00.000+08:00

The afternoon weather is damn hot... Im gonna die from this scorching heat soon... im still as tired as ever, 2 cups of coffee didnt help... watched abit of tv and played abit of computer games... but did no homework... i dont feel right whenever i use my time for fun and entertainment, i would feel abit guilty... guilty of not doing any revisions or homeworks... but i cant help it, im kind of addicted to computer games... its hard to think of school work while playing games, i would feel uneasy... im gonna land my this week's test in jeopardy if i dun do something, although i dont feel like doing anything now...
nothing is right in my life... u may think that everyone thinks and live the same way, because we are afterall, human beings... but NO... not everyone has the same mentality... we do think differently... some ppl just have the power to force themselves to study while people like me, tried to touch my notes and textbooks but to no avail... i will always get distracted by many things...
i dunno why i hate myself so much, life to me has no meaning... what is life? why are we here? are we even meant to be here? what is this universe originally made of? are there someone out there who thinks like me?...... i kept asking myself these stupid questions... i have always wanted to know how other ppl think... are those thoughts different from mine? i have no idea...
nothing is eternal, except history...

2004-08-07T19:55:00.000+08:00

If you were to ask me anything, I wouldn't even say a thing... my mind is now silent, dead, maybe even poisoned... I grow weary each day, trying to get rid of all obstacles... Im bad at thinking, my mental power is sort of low... memory work kills me... so many things to remember for this coming week... new checks for flying, chem, bio and physics tests, etc, etc, etc... I can even think properly now... need more oxygen to fill up my dying brain...
maybe i need to meditate somewhere... a place where no one can even bother me... maybe back to the swing at the playground? maybe...
I feel so left out... I cannnot catch up with the rest of my classmates... not in terms of study, but the stories and jokes they all share... When something happened and everyone's laughing, I would just sit down at one corner and make myself invisible, discreet...
Maybe I should talk to clement, my primary school friend... well, he just signed in... i'm gonna have a chit chat with him...
afterward's, im going out for a some fresh air... gonna cycle until sengkang... maybe? or maybe to the dam which connects yishun and seletar, a beautiful place there... im gonna sit down somewhere and sort my thoughts out... i need time to think...
reality is cruel... virtual reality is worse...

2004-08-06T18:22:00.000+08:00

heck... today's national day celebration was lame... no comments on it though, i dont feel good today... no fever or even headache, just nothing... no mood for anything now... theres still flying tmr, im gonna get screwed again... but no matter what, i wouldnt give my instructor a chance to phase me out immediately...
nothing to do now... no one to talk to at the moment... daniel's out in town having some fun playing pool, shermanator's either hanging out with or finding some new bestfriends, gab's playing WC3, i suppose... i think im gonna let out my stress on d2... although no one plays it with me anymore, unlike in the past...
if i could, i would wanna travel far far away, far away from this tormented world to the nearest star...

2004-08-05T20:50:00.000+08:00

Everthing is unfair... i dunno how to say it but... im not in the mood for anything now... there are some things which i wouldnt wanna share it here...
thanks to my father, my mood has been spoilt...
i feel damn sh!t now...
everything is always to my disadvantage...
feel like crying out loud...
scream my heart out...
tormented to my limits... i dun feel like living anymore...

2004-08-05T00:13:00.000+08:00

i think i did pretty badly for my gp and maths test...
no mood to talk much, kind of feel stupid to use the internet at this time... not many people to talk to... anyway i also dun care... i seldom talk to ppl and ppl seldom talk to me on msn...
my sister... she used the modem until about 5 min ago... and nows the onli time i could type my blog... everything is crazy and unpredictable...
gonna suffer during pe tmr, my muscles still ache like hell... its so damn painful... im gonna die tmr...
judge yourself before others...

2004-08-03T21:02:00.000+08:00

came back late... all because of DHL(daniel)... well, im not saying tat its his fault... but actually i offered myself to hear wad daniel has to say earlier to me this evening... i forced him to vomit out all his griefs and sorrow... i lent a listening ear to him...
nows its already 9pm+... and im tired already... today's physical fitness test was damn stupid... i overstretched myself during the sit and reach... cause when i've started to hit the 52 cm mark, my whole chest was stiff and pain... i almost cried back there but it was too painful for me to even cry or scream... i landed sideways on the left with my both hands still stretching out to my legs... i couldn't retract my hands back, i felt numb at tat time... was groaning in pain... gabriel said i looked funny during tat drastic moment... well, i dun care wad muscle aches i have... im already happy enough to get an A for sit and reach...
speaking of which, gab got his blog... gonna add him in later... wanna see wads he gonna type...
there were many stars in the sky today, compared to other days where its even more cloudy... its fun to look at the stars... most people love to make a wish when they see a star... but not for me, i seldom make wishes... stars to me are more than wishes... whenever i see a star, i will always wonder how big this universe is... and how small we re compared to it... i dunno why but by looking at stars or the moon, i will always feel more peaceful and calm... my way of thinking and expressing is damn strange and funny... but tats how i exactly feel...
looking at the days ahead of me, i sense a great disturbance... not in the force but something else... its like something bad is gonna happen to me... i always believe tat our life is in equilibrium... whenever something good happens to u, bad things will also happen to u too... i believe no one in this world could experience gd luck and life everyday... tat goes the same for me... although im satisfied with my NAPFA test today, but i hav a strong feeling tat something bad is coming to me, i dunno why and i dun wanna know wad issit...
know your limits, don't push too far to infinity...

2004-08-02T21:18:00.000+08:00

one word to describe today ---> sucks
many things happened to me today... i shall list them down in order
1) fogotten to bring my spectacles
2)lost my inhalent
3)broke 2 test tubes
4)screwed my physics pract
5)my stomach muscles are still aching
today's sunset was beautiful... the sky was coloured red with a bit of blue, orange, yellow and violet... it was beautiful but sad... every sunset reminds me of everything sad... don't ask me, i have no idea why too... theres still goona be physical fitness test for the 5 items tmr... and im damn worried... cant do my standing broad jump well... onli can get a D for it... i must try to get a C tmr... haiz...
im feeling depress again... dunno why... maybe its because today's monday? maybe... i suppose...
the more u think about your life, the more it sux... tats the way i think... to me, life has no meaning at all... we re born, we grow up, we study, we graduate, we work, we age and we die... this life cycle kind of pisses me off... why do we exist? issit to prove our existence? or issit for a purpose?... i think i came into this world for nuts and nothing...
to sherman(if u re reading this), sry i had to make u to pay for the 2nd broken test tubes... coz i dun have any more money with me... im broke now... i can nv be your 4th best friend btw... i just dun go around making friends like tat... in fact sometimes i find it childish to say things like "hm! i dun friend u liao" or "we re friends!!!"... they re gay...
but one day, i promise, i will find the meaning of true friendship... even though it's impossible for it to exist in me...
cling on to your faith and don't let it escape...

2004-08-01T02:20:00.000+08:00

2.5 hrs pass midnight... no one friendly enough to talk to on msn... tats fine with me, im too used to a lonely environment...
modified my blog a bit... just some changes to the pictures... don't complain
Initially wanted to do my chem and maths tutorials... but something's stopping me... for no reason i just dont feel like doing... another depression?
days seem like years... but with just one blink of an eye, things which u have seen before will be just history... the stars u see at night worth 100 to 100000 years of history... a star which u may see outside your window may have already been a white dwarf or blackhole...
i... dont really know wad to type now....... feel like playing d2 after blogging...
speaking of d2, no one's playing d2 with me in the same server... i have to play alone... loneliness is like a bliss to me, coz no one can disturb me...
i hate my life and i really do...

2004-07-29T21:41:00.000+08:00

Injured my both knees, sprained my foot, over stretch my right and left torso, muscle cramps in my both thighs during pe...
Did my GP essay in class subconsciencely, tons of bio assignments due tmr thrown at me, project work to do tmr, forgotten to bring my pe t-shirt back.....
what else can i get from this cruel world? break my leg? lose all my money in shares? accidentally commit suidcide?
C maths homework is due tmr and i dun even know how to do qn 12... sh!t...
Plan to copy bio tmr... i feel damn bad but im left with no choice... later still need to search the web to do science project...
wanna play d2 but no time... sch works driving my playing time away...
everything is kinda unfair... why? issit my retribution? i dunno... im confused... tormented... im gonna tire myself everyday....
Ive channelled 3/4 of my energy to do my GP essay... wasen prepared at all... the cold weather these days has made me physically and mentally weaker...
sometimes i wish i could turn back time... impossible as it may seem... but i wish i could... so bad...
its a good day for me to die... and a bad day for me to enjoy tmr...

2004-07-27T20:37:00.000+08:00

Did my 2.4km run today and only got a B... 10.24sec... i'll perservere on and try harder next time... although ive only improved by only a few seconds, its still a improvement... many small improvements can sum up to a big improvement...
Stressful days are ahead of me, i can tell... many homeworks to be done and many things to study... There's still summore test next week, chinese ting xie(spelling) on thursday and i haven even touched em yet...
Maybe i should admit, I cant get use to Jc life easily... And thats one of my weakness... i cant get used to things easily... when i started flying, i couldn't get use to it... i will always screw it up whenever i go for flying lessons... And when ive got used to computer games, it will then be hard for me to get use to stop gaming forever...
I may look emotionally strong from the outside, but the truth is that im weak... I seldom socialise with ppl cause im more to the quiet side... sec sch had changed me, i wasen like this when i was still a kid in prim sch... i had many friends then, friends who played with me at a nearby playground everyday after school without fail... i was happy, cheerful and i smiled more often, worries are seldom... sec sch was totally horrible, its hard to explain though... ive been ostracised and taunted... even ppl whom i thought were myfriends betrayed me several times... daniel (DHL) was the only one i trusted then, even though he was not tat kind either... sometimes he betrayed and pang seied me before... for girls...
i have a lot to think later while cycling... feel like going to a nearby playground to swing... have to get back my WC3 frozen throne disc from my neighbour...
Believe it, life sux (for me) to the core till theres no tmr...

2004-07-25T21:58:00.000+08:00

Busy is all I can say now... Kenny made me do last minute PW and I feel so... irrritated? Dunno... but I did not complain, at least I could help out and not let Kenny suffer alone... I have actually wnated to complete my maths tutorial since I managed to buy the TYS for it...
hm... wonder what the rest of the grp members are doing?
For today, flying bothers me the most... I screw up the procedures while in the air... don't feel like talking about it... don't feel like flying next week, I rather read the handbook and memorize all the steps 1st... dont feel like talking about it... Hope I don't anger the next instructor who's taking me next, especially my own instructor---> SIVA
I still have to do my own 2.4Km timing, since I didnt turn up for Sat's training...
Conclusion: its gonna be a tiring day tmr... again

2004-07-25T00:48:00.000+08:00

Well, another midnight for me to blog in my... blog... Today's PTM was stupid, my father kept talking to Mr Lim for 30min... kept hogging up the queue... the rest of my classmates and their parents kept waiting...
The midnight breeze is damn cooling, could even feel it from my room just by opening all my windows... feel like standing outside my balcony now and stone, at least to get some fresh air...
Just finished another game of d2... wish more people could play with me... so I could pk people i know HAHA!... noah
Still got flying later in the afternoon... hope my instructor wouldnt get pissed off with me again... i pray too that i would have any fatigue tmr...
thus... sleep, i shall...

2004-07-24T01:31:00.000+08:00

Well, I've just installed a tag baord in my blog... actually its not a tag board, its called chatter box... its something like a tag board but looks different... can leave your comments there if you people want... its on the middle right hand side... no flooding of unnecessary messages pls...
Just finished my game of d2 and no one's online now... except a few though...
Wish I could just stone now... forever... free from worries, hatred, problems, sh!t, craps, etc, etc, etc...
Its already 1.35 in the morning already... there's still PTM later... i have a major bad feeling about wad's gonna happen tmr... especially when I failed my chinese...
I'm suppose to have ODAC at 7 am just before PTM... but don't feel like going... if not need to wake up at 5 and now's already 1.35am...

Is my life nothing but someone else's dream?

2004-07-19T16:23:00.000+08:00

Another depressing day for me... dunno why... i've been hit with a depression sickness and nothing helps...
can't believe i got a prize for doing the simple mini maths quiz, its a small sketch book, mr.lim bought it but he didn't gave it to me, the new teacher did...
sherman has been talking crap about frank being my best friend... didn't care much about what he had said earlier... i think he's jealous cause i took away his best friend... ZzZzZzZz...
and btw, i have no friends at all... I have only allies and allies are diff from having friends... friends stick with u forever... well almost... allies are just another thing...
well, no mood to say anything nice though, when i try to force myself to laugh, i would end up sulking... i'm suffering from depression, a major depression...

2004-07-15T14:54:00.000+08:00

1 month and a few days since I've typed in my damned blog...
Daniel has been a pervert like before...
The June holidays were as stupid like before...
Everything still remains the same as ever...

If I could, I would wanna turn back time, my present life seems so... so... lame.
I think I'm getting sick of my life, feel like dying, feel like...

Don't feel like talking anymore...

2004-06-08T22:27:00.000+08:00

Eh... long time never blog... feels like I'm losing touch with my blog... AIE!... sianz...
This holiday is the worst of all the holidays I have so far... maybe JC's life is not gonna be like before liao... So much work to do... exams after instead of before holidays...
Don't really feel like saying much now... no mood to think and say anything... lots of things to remember and sort out...

2004-06-02T22:25:00.000+08:00

So busy, don't feel like blogging anything... So tired, useless, angry, sad, stupid, idiot, huh?
Many problems for me lead to more problems... Haiz...

2004-05-27T13:53:00.000+08:00

Life sucks more as days pass by. For such a period of almost 5 months, I still can't get use to life in a JC. Everything seems to get harder, the expectations, the subjects, teachers, etc...
GP especially... I do not have the basic concept of that subject itself. Even now I'm still trying to get the gist of every aspect of GP by comparing my papers with Gabriel's.
Everybody around me in 1t32 seem so pro in everything... I feel so... so... excluded...
And when 5th dawn's on sale, u magic players... beware...

2004-05-24T20:59:00.000+08:00

Won 2 and lost 2 games in the prerelease tournament yesterday. I won 2 booster packs and lost one... wonder who took it... I'll kill that person if I found out who took it... Lucky I've already seen the cards inside. The rare was not really that good... If I were to lose my Mycoynth Golem or Bringer of the dawn, I'll sure break down and cry...
Did another GP assignment in class today. This time it was comprehension. I screwed up in the vocab and application question parts due to the lack of time... Got back my GP essay and I really improve in my diprovement. I got only 16 marks out of 50! I have the hunch that I'm the lowest in class and the greatest idiot too...
Tomorrow still have physics test... Have not studied for it yet, gonna die...
Well, gonna study for my tomorrow's test...

2004-05-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

Muahaha, got scrwed up in todays eco-challenge... Don;t feel like talking about it.
WE were suppose to go to Seoul Garden for our lunch. Who knows, our lunch was degraded to Burger King... What a waste, all my money saved was in vain...
Watched Shrek 2 after lunch, was very funny. I recommend everyone to watch it, young, old or retarded.
2 days more to the 5th dawn prerelease tournament... very scared... noah. If I were to lose, then so be it. If I win, that would be a miracle...

2004-05-20T00:04:00.000+08:00

Ahaha, I've just screwed up my chem and bio test today. Merry Christmas! May as well die...
And that Daniel, I've got nothing to say. He couldn't help me buy cards from ebay.com just now as he was watching sonata... I've no objections to that but, is that show really, really nice? Even my father and sister became preys to that show... HAIZ... What is this world becoming to?
Had conversations with donovan and Clement today. Don had told me about going to Clement's house on the 1st week of June holidays. We will be able to get together and perhaps play magic! YAY! I really miss my Pri school gang soooooo much. It always makes me think about the fun we had and cherished in the past.
Tomorrow got another bio test! Sh!t, I didn't even study for it yet... gonna screw it up...
And if anyone knows how to create a chat box in a blog, can you please tell me??? I really need to know...

2004-05-15T23:29:00.000+08:00

Somehow I have a bad feeling about the alliance between me and Daniel. He has channeled his attension more to the girls instead of talking to the boys in the class... Has he matured too fast? Everytime when I saw him talking to girls, he will always have so much to talk about. Its like they share the same interest... While talking to boys, he don't usually say much... To the girls, he could laugh with them non stop, especially with Claire or Linette... It makes me feel like I'm a victim and they are the saddists, especially when I had no mood for anything on those days. Imagine yourself on one particular day, after failing your tests or get scoldings from your teachers, you will definitely feel sian and moodless. Worse still, you saw other people laughing away and that added to your sadness, because you couldn't laugh while they can...
Anyway, I feel so sian these days... Gonna have many tests soon. I even failed badly for my GP comprehension... Didnt hand up some assignments... Got 2 CCAs to juggle now... Maths homework getting harder and more stressful...
My comp now its in a bad state... the resolution sux, no sound, can find the music files in my comp although they exist, etc, etc, etc...
I have come out with some theories on the charateristics of Daniel.
1) 50% loud 50% quiet
2) Stone dreamer
3) Flirter
4) Seeks attention when needed
5) Goes 'high' after drinking caffeine drinks
6) Clever
8) High IQ
9) Charming
10) um... charismatic

2004-05-09T01:25:00.000+08:00

Its already about n hour past midnight and I'm still awake... haha... can't believe it. Today's Sunday and I hate Sundays...
Just played finished starcraft with Frank and Kelvin. We won the game(duh), slowly. Because of my stupid ageing computer... We had to save our game everytime in case my comp cropped up. Anway, after we won, Kelvin exited the game... and Frank dis-ally with me. Haiz... he shouldn't have done that. Almost beaten him with nukes... but he exited the game halfway...
This afternoon(or yesterday afternoon), some of us from 1T32 went to a nursing home near near Woodlands. I screwed myself up there... Didn't communicate much with the old folks there, they seem either pissed by my look or they just wanted to watch some TV. While I was doing a poor job, others did well. Kenny knew Hokkien and so he could speak to those who only knew Hokkien. Gabriel was better than me in his Chinese, thus able to talk to most of them in "hua wen". And of course, Jean was the most enthu one among us all. She was the one who did her job well and good. Everytime when I turned around to look at her, she would always be talking to the old folks. Seeing her acting until like that makes me ashamed of myself. Perhaps she came into this world with a very high and positive EQ, unlike me, who's EQ is negative all the way down. Seriously, I have no idea how could people actually make new friends... I have no guts to socialise... or is it I just couldn't be bothered to?
Anyway, at least I'm better than that Daniel. Why must he skip the CIP and go to other places like NYJC instead? Does he wanna slack and overtake Sherman or Gabriel as Slack God? If it is, then he would be the God of flirt and slack... haha
Daniel has a very high EQ. That was why I wanted Daniel to come along today... so he could help me out with communication... That explain the fact that he could make lots of new friends in CJC. 10% boys, 90% girls. (Don't ask me why but its true duh)
So far, Frank was the only person who gave me a good present... uh, I wouldn't wanna say what he gave me, I'm afraid that Daniel or other people might think I'm suaning them.

PS: By the way Frank. Think twice before u betray me. :) :P =P :s

2004-05-07T22:11:00.000+08:00

HIGHLIGHTS OF YESTERDAY:
-it was my birthday, didn't expect anything much
-daniel forgotten to bring the stupid cake
-my chinese teacher gave me a present: a piece of paper which has many chinese words and blanks on it (chinese test)
-screwed up my chinese test
-got wassup by the ODAC enthu people after cutting the cake which they bought

Maths test today and it was sh!t. Screwed up one question. i.e. 2 marks gone due to don't-know-what-the-hell-mistake in question 2 part 2.
Haiz... at least flirt god (daniel HL) brought the damn cake today. its not acually a cake but a large piece of brownie which costs him 18 bucks. got to admit, the taste of it was shiok!
SYFC or ODAC? I've been thinking of that since last night. I can't believe that they have selected me! After screwing up the interview and medical test, its so impossible for me to be successful fot the application. Haiz... what to do? don't know. Not even Daniel could help me... he's just lazy...

2004-05-04T12:55:00.000+08:00

I GOT BETRAYED BY THE DANIELS!!! Stupid DHL, go KTV without me... GOOD LA... well at least he called me... BUT HE CALLED ME TOO LATE!!!???!!!???
And that Daniel PKX (peck kai xian), go swimming also never bring swimming trunk!!!... Haiz... these 2 things happened to me on Sunday... So sway..

Yesterday my computer got infected by worm... stupid sia... can't play starcraft... I'm going to DHL's (Daniel) house to take home a program to kill the damn worm! BUAHAHAHA. I'll make sure I'll create arson in his house... for betraying me of course!

about the arson... I WAS JUST JOKING HAHAHA!!! But... if he doesn't cooperate with me, I'll do it!

2004-05-01T23:09:00.000+08:00

The hell... bought starcraft (real one) today. Started off by playing with Sherman. Too bad he has a problem with his computer and needs to reinstall it.
And now I'm trying to figure out how to sort out my archieves here and there, they are so messy.
HAIZ... not only my birthday coming soon, MATHS and CHINESE TOO! Screwed chinese up man, its on the same day as my birthday...
Sianz... wish I could got to KTV again this month... That bloody Daniel has that coupon... I'll make sure he plans a date for KTV...

2004-04-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

Ahaha, another bad day for me... I failed my trial test for standing broad jump... And I didn't get a good rare card from a magic booster...Tomorrow still got ODAC, better rest...

2004-04-26T23:40:00.000+08:00

Whoa, today's not my day at all. I got only 19/50 for my GP essay and 18/36 for my BIO!!! ARHHHH!!! I think I'm among the lowest in class for both subjects... Haiz, what to do? I have no affinity for GP, that's why I screwed up my essay by writing crap and crap + crap x crap... nothing but crap... + some sh!t too. Didn't realise what I was writing... And for bio, I don't actually expect myself to get fllying colours, and I didn't expect myself to get only a pass! In my secondary school, I could even get a B4 easily for any test. My B3 for bio in "O" lv was a tyco one, maybe those British script markers are too lenient with their markings...
Right now, I'm suffering. Books keep piling up on my table faster than clearing them. I don't have much time for anything which I would love to do... but homeworks' are the ones restricting me. Even for next week, I'm gonna have my chinese test on my Birthday! ... ... ... I feel so sloppy now, don't feel like typing anymore... just wanna... sleep............

2004-04-25T23:30:00.000+08:00

Went to KTV this afternoon... This time with Daniel's project work group. That includes Gabriel, Chloe, Nigel, Kimberly and Daniel himself. Haiz... If only my group could do the same thing, as in going KTV after any meetings for project work. One day I must ask Kenny about this...
Nothing else to say, I'm tired. There's still school tomorrow...